I hope you’ll take a moment to read through this and try not to judge me too quickly.
One of the biggest things stopping me from becoming vegan is my fear of being a burden to others. Vegan food isn’t common where I live, and most places where people gather around food are meat-based. Meat is considered a luxury here, and even eggs are seen as a food for people who can’t afford meat. Being vegetarian already raises a lot of questions and makes social events centered around food harder.
I’m afraid people will feel like they have to accommodate me when I visit their house. Luckily, most meals in Brazil are based on rice and beans, which I can eat, but I know people will feel bad if that’s all they can offer me. Rice and beans alone are often considered poor food here, so I worry they’ll think it’s a shame I can’t eat anything else. Plus, almost every other food contains eggs or milk.
Eating out is also hard because most places don’t offer vegan options, but that’s not my biggest concern. I don’t mind eating at home or sticking with whatever plain food they have. I found out that our local bread is vegan, which is a huge relief.
I’m also really worried about my mom. I know how veganism views animal products, and how cruel they see them. But please understand that here, food is a way to show love. In Brazil, cooking for someone is a sign of affection, especially from a mother. My mom makes cakes, pies, and pastries, but none of them are vegan. I don’t think she even knows what that means. Since I became a vegetarian, she’s made more vegetables for me so I don’t always eat plain rice and beans, but veganism would be a much bigger challenge for her to understand. I’m more worried about her than anyone else. I don’t want to stop eating the food she makes because it gives her joy. I don’t want to make anyone sad, especially my boyfriend and my mom. They don’t understand, and they don’t see animals as equals. I feel lost and sad. I don’t want to eat food that makes me feel guilty for the rest of my life, but I don’t know how to move forward.
Maybe you can use veganism as a way to embrace your mom’s love and show her the same affection. Try baking cakes and pastries together. Laugh at the failures and celebrate the successes. Experiment together, bring each other new foods to try. Veganism doesn’t have to ruin food-centered traditions—it could reignite a passion for them.
It’s okay to accept some social awkwardness. Here’s what I do when I’m served something I can’t eat: I say, ‘Thanks so much, but I have a pretty strict diet, I’ll just stick with (water/soda/chips),’ and if they ask why, I change the subject with something like, ‘Did you see the new movie?’ You don’t have to announce you’re vegan if it makes you uncomfortable, but you don’t have to eat what’s given to you either.
For your mom or other close family members, talk to them about it. You can tell her how much you love her cooking and ask if you can help her veganize some of your favorite recipes. Maybe say something like, ‘I could never live without your cake, but I was hoping you could make it without eggs and butter. Can I bring over the substitutes and we can try making it together?’ Give her the tools to keep making food you love but without compromising your values.
Some people might not understand, but the people who truly love you should accept you, even if they don’t fully get your choices. Lead with love and compassion. The people who don’t accept it will do so no matter what.
i ask that you read my report carefully and do not rush to judge me
Oh boy, it’s not going to get any easier if you keep thinking this way. You need to start asserting yourself and stop worrying about being a nuisance to people. Relationships are a two-way street—they need to accommodate you just as you accommodate them if the relationship is going to be healthy.
Also, I get what you’re saying about food being a sign of love. Where I’m from, that’s the same thing. If someone feels like they need to feed me to show love, I tell them, ‘I’m here because I love you. I want to be around you because of you, not the food.’ You can adjust the wording, but you need to show them that you don’t need food to feel loved.
You seem like such a caring and considerate person. The struggle is real, and the older your family members are, the harder it is to set boundaries. The people who raised and nurtured you are the last ones you want to hurt. I once had an elderly relative give me sheep fur for my bed to keep me warm in the winter — how could she understand that it wasn’t just about food? She won’t ever see animals the way I do. I give the older generations a pass, but the younger ones can change, or at least respect your choices. Focus on the people you’re building a future with. If someone has eaten meat for 92 years, chances are they’re set in their ways. For the older generations: compliment the love they put into the food and how great it smells (even if it doesn’t), bring some of your own food to share, and maybe bring fruit for dessert. Let them know you know they love you.
As long as you take full responsibility for your choices, it’s okay if people are sad about it—that’s not something you should try to control. Accept that people might get upset by your choices, even close family and your partner, but that’s part of being an independent person. As long as your choice doesn’t harm them, you shouldn’t feel guilty, even if they feel sad or angry about it.
This is the key point from your post: ‘It’s not your responsibility how people feel about your choices.’ And that applies to all your decisions, not just being vegan. Actually, being vegan could be a great way to build your personal growth, as it challenges you to stand up for your values. Go for it!
here in Brazil, this is extremely strong, cooking for someone is an act of love
Then there’s no problem! If people want to cook for you, they should be making something you can eat and enjoy. Animal cruelty doesn’t make you happy, so explain that to them.
Send them some vegan recipes, cook with them to make sure they don’t accidentally use butter or something.
I don’t want to eat food that makes me feel guilty for the rest of my life, but I don’t know what to do.
Veganism is simple. You either value animal lives or you don’t. You’re worried about your own guilt, but you need to focus on the animals. People might be sad, but their feelings can change and evolve. Animals can’t get their lives back, but human feelings can shift over time. Just set your boundaries and stick to them.
Would you feel the same fear of being an inconvenience if you had a severe allergy to eggs or were lactose intolerant? Many people switch to vegan options for health reasons, and the same approach can work for you.
Vegan options are becoming easier to find, even in places where they’re not the norm. Maybe introduce your mom to vegan versions of her dishes, like using pumpkin in stews instead of meat or soy-based products that could be easier to find than you think.
If your loved ones don’t understand your ethical reasons, you can explain it as a health choice. Most people will respect health-related decisions (even if you mean the health of the animals). Over time, sharing vegan meals with your family can show them it’s not about giving up food but creating new traditions that come from care.
The reality is, though they might not realize it, they’re the ones being insensitive—not you. You don’t have to be a bully to stand up for the voiceless animals. Worry less about them and stand firm in your choices.